Body-to-Body Intimacy: Transformation Through Love, Sex, and Neurobiology by Stella Resnick

Author:Stella Resnick
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Taylor & Francis (CAM)
Published: 2018-07-05T16:00:00+00:00

The Burden of Early Stigma Can Last a Lifetime

At one Esalen couples’ retreat, Sharon had a particularly profound experience sharing with her husband Owen the shame and guilt she still felt at age thirty-five about being caught playing sexually with another little girl at age seven. When the group re-convened she volunteered to share with the group her experience with the exercise. As she talked, she wept at how long she had kept this shame inside her and never confessed those feelings to Owen or anyone.

Sharon talked about how her mother had shamed her by telling the other girl’s mother even though she begged her mother not to. She described how her friend’s mother was alarmed and had prohibited these best friends from playing together or even talking. Sharon expressed the grief and loneliness she felt at losing her best friend with whom she shared so much more than sexual curiosity. During the exercise she began to see how the shame mingled with grief, that she experienced at age seven, had imbued sex with a tinge of disgust at herself mixed with sadness. It was a feeling she recognized that often cropped up, not only sexually, but whenever she was having “too good a time.”

After telling Owen about this big secret she had carried all her life, Owen put his arms around her and said he was proud of her and grateful for her sharing this with him. She just fell into his arms and sobbed.

By taking the opportunity to share this pivotal childhood event, first with Owen and then the group, Sharon said she could feel the shame and guilt lift. She said she had been careful with her own children to not shame them but she was surprised at the pain and tears of shame that poured out of her as she was recounting the incident to her husband.

Now by pushing through her anxiety and sharing this with the group, Sharon said she was feeling a sense of pride and gratitude for the chance to unload a burden she had been carrying all her life. Several members of the group then expressed their gratitude for her courage and also revealed critical shame-induced turning points in their young lives. Some of the men and women from loving homes talked about their guilt and shame for making their parents so uneasy and distressed when they raised questions about sex or displayed any exuberance regarding sexual touching.

Failure to talk about sex with children is a failure to educate them and also a failure to protect them. When sex is secretive and seen as “naughty,” children will refrain from talking to parents at all about sex, even after being abused and traumatized by a predatory adult. Several of my male and female clients who suffered unwanted sexual contact with older cousins, adults in the family, or with a teacher or religious figure said they never considered reporting it to their parents. Sex was not something talked about in the home. Some said they felt violated but were afraid they would either be blamed or not believed.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.